Good luck on them hormones boys

Medical doctors: Transgender girls are girls and should be able to use the girl’s bathroom. Not doing so singles them out for discrimination and negatively impacts social development.

Bigots: We shouldn’t allow transgender girls to use the girls bathroom because OMG IT’S GOT A PENIS AND IT’S GONNA RAPE AND IT’S THE EXACT SAME THING AS PEDOPHILIA AND IT NEEDS SURGERY FIRST BECAUSE OTHERWISE, PENIS, AND BOYS WILL JUST SAY THEY’RE TRANS TO GET IN NOW CAUSE, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TRANS HEALTH CARE WORKS.

I’m actually surprised a variety of commenters actually sit there and try to provide valid responses to the stupidity, and actually get more upvotes than the bigots.

Really wish people would realize that there is a HELL OF A LOT MORE to transitioning genders than claiming to be a woman and wearing a dress – ignorant people *REALLY* don’t get it that after therapy visits, doctor visits, months of hormone therapy (which kill all testosterone and jack your emotions into overdrive), put up with all the bullying and name calling – yeah, if any boy want’s to do that just to “peep” in on the girl’s room, you’re pretty f*ing determined. Good luck getting your male body put back together after all the hormones, dick face.

Oh wait, but that’s actually coming from somebody who is trans and actually knows what she’s talking about… =/

http://bangordailynews.com/2013/05/03/health/maine-pediatricians-support-transgender-students-use-of-girls-bathroom/?ref=polbeat

A few other notes:

Medical doctors agree that gender identity is internalized – meaning that it’s something that is between the ears, not the legs.

Both medical doctors and mental health care professionals agree that treating gender dysphoria with proper hormonal therapy helps alleviate symptoms and leads to healthier patient outcomes (gee imagine that).

Mental health professions have clearly demonstrated that transgender people who are supported by friends and family commonly have increased self-esteem, happiness, etc. and just general mental well being than transgender people who are not supported by friends and family commonly have depression, low self-esteem, low levels of happiness, etc., not to mention the suicide rates of transgender people are astronomically some of the highest in any minority in the country outright.

Bigots use the pedophilia argument only because they see gender dysphoria as a sexual fetish/dysfunction/deviancy due to the negative image in which transgender people are displayed in media (two common stereotypes: “deceptive tranny” and “pathetic tranny”), sexualized and objectified in the pornography industry (which provides a lot of people with their only exposure to transsexualism), as well as a lack of understanding in the diversity of the transgender umbrella (cross dressers != drag queens != transsexuals), specifically how fetishizing cross dressers (men who do sexualize everything about it and get off playing dress up (side note: not all CDs sexualize and objectify the experience – I have friends who just love CD’ing for the fun of it (and some are really good at it))) have made transsexual women look just as deviant (when it is, in fact, completely different).

Ignorance is the prime issue here, along mixed with a fragile sexuality. One of the things the transgender spectrum has taught me, in particular, is how both gender and sexuality is not a binary, but a spectrum. People with fragile sexualities (e.g. straight guys who are deathly afraid of being called ‘faggots’ for displaying any sort of gay behavior in any way whatsoever, gay girls who are deathly afraid of being called ‘breeders’ for displaying any sort of straight behavior in any way whatsoever) tend to want to avoid a world that isn’t black and white, because they find simplistic protection in that black and white world (e.g. just as long as I ain’t , I won’t be hurt) – not to mention ignorance breeds in over simplification. In particular, transsexual women pose a threat to straight male’s sexuality as well as gay female’s sexuality because it dilutes the black and white lines between 100% male (which doesn’t exist) and 100% female (which doesn’t exist) and potentially opens them up to such fears of harassment and degradation. Part of the TQ in the LGBTQ movement centers in trying to get people to understand that biology is SUPER COMPLEX, unexpected at times, yet quite malleable, we all sit on different parts of the spectrum of gender and sexuality, and it’s of no point to be so narrow minded about it all when none of us are truly black and white (hence why some people in the LGBTQ spectrum have coined the term ‘queer’ to describe their sexuality – they don’t want to be marginalized because they don’t fit some predetermined ‘norm’ of only liking guys or only liking girls (IME, some super hardcore lesbians in particular seem to me to be, at times, quite hostile in this regard – you either fly right or get ostracized out of the lesbian community entirely (see also: why many lesbians don’t date bi girls))). True fact: we all have a bit of ‘faggot’/'breeder’ in us.

Plus a lot of society is mired in anti-intellectualism. Learning and understanding things is just *TOO DAMN HARD* for a lot of people.

Personal Experiences:

Typically (but of course there is a WIDE diversity here), a lot of trans people I’ve interacted with tend to prefer to be on hormones therapy for months (6 months to a year+ I’ve noticed is typical) before going “full time.” This means that they give ample time for the hormones to affect their secondary sexual characteristics before actually even attempting to present as their new found gender identity – to make it easier on people. It’s not like we really do have boys saying they’re trans and then pepping in on the girl’s locker room, because that’s not how a lot of trans people I’ve been around tend to operate – many prefer to be “accepted” as their gender in due time on hormones, not stick out like a sore thumb on day 1 (although I know some who have done that – most later lamented to regret that decision immensely).

In all my time going to women’s bathrooms, the prime thing that I worry about is, in fact, disturbing the other women. My philosophy I’ve come down to is that cis women’s urethras are larger in diameter to trans women’s, thus have a distinctly different sound when their stream or urine hits the water in the toilet bowl than that of trans women. I actually get kinda paralyzed in those quiet bathroom situations (some cis women have no fear and just let it rip, I assure you) and prefer to wait until they leave so that I don’t make them uncomfortable just in case if my stream sounds to them to be “off.”

A letter

Dear E5,

I don’t even know where to begin. A part of me doubts you’ll care much to read this, but I figure maybe it would help to write at least something.

I hope you realize that you will be sincerely missed in my life. Not because I needed you to be happy, but because I loved the adventures we had together. There are so many memories in my head of looking over at you, seeing you smile so big, as we were off on yet another journey together. Those memories are so incredibly precious. All the experiences we shared together, all the fun we had, the intimate moments that followed them, the hand holding, the kisses, the sound of your moans in the night, even the drawing of the Space Needle where we had our most romantic date in the history of dates ever, they will always be held in a special place in my heart. Never in my life have I ever had so much fun, so much excitement, and in a large way it was thanks to who you are. And who you are is, indeed, somebody I sincerely loved being with. It’s why I fought so hard, tried so hard, to the absolute breaking point of frustration.

It’s with sad realization that I find myself fully aware that that is all behind us now. I find myself really torn by all the things you said I was not – attractive, stable, able to be alone and happy… You’re right in a lot of way, I realize this, but I hope you realize also that I tried my best to make up for those short comings using every available method I could. I did the best I knew how and, in the end, it’s sadly is true… We do need different people… I’m so sorry E5, you have no idea. I never meant to upset you like this, or make you yell, or make you feel scared… I realize even saying that though doesn’t make a dent into your resolve about me, but if it is any consolation, remember that I did the best I can to work with you and your shortcomings also… I would not have done that had I not seen something special in you.

As hard as it is to say, as hard as it is for me to try to find the words to describe it, one day E5 you won’t be so hostile to me. You will be able to look back and think, huh, I could have done that better or, huh, that was pretty damn nice of Johanna to do that for me. In time I hope you start to see that in spite of all the trials and tribulations we both faced, I did my best to be the best lover I could for you, in every way I could, because I truly loved you, more than I have ever loved anybody in my life up to that point… Even if you said you never loved me, we both know that there were moments of pure ecstasy between us, the likes of which really was what kept us going for so long… We just couldn’t pull it together.

It will be hard for me to say it without being blunt – perhaps I am the insensitive insecure person you think of me as – but I assure you had you reciprocated in giving back to me the small things I requested, which I never once thought were unreasonable (otherwise I would have never asked you of them), I know my stability wouldn’t had suffered as much as it did. The lack of us finding a way to work within a framework we both could commit to, the lack of the issues in the past being faced that had been swept under the rug because the pain involved was too great a task to undertake, these things were prime motivators into our demise. I guess I could say I was asking for things you weren’t able to give me, but we both know that it really bottomed down to the fact that we weren’t right for each other… And that is so hard to accept sometimes for me, because I loved you so damned much, I was willing to do almost anything for us.

In particular, E5, as much as I need to realize I need to show more respect for my partner (to which I assure you is true – you didn’t deserve my dismay in times where my frustration took the better of me), it’s important that you too just as much realize that one cannot just let unresolved issues stay unresolved when it is other people to whom those unresolved issues negatively affect – particularly if it negatively affects your lover… Nobody can expect a team to work if the pieces making it up are operating in a damaged state of existence. In a relationship, each person has a responsibility to love, honor, and respect their lover to the best of their abilities. Reasonable requests are a real part of any real relationship, and those requests cannot just be ignored because it’s seemingly inconvenient at the time… That’s your lover, they are asking for happiness together with you, they are asking for you to do your part to contribute and work together for the health of both involved, and if you really are in a real relationship with them you owe that sort of base level honor and respect to them to find a way to incorporate their wants and needs alongside your own for the benefit of both as best as what can be considered realistically possible… That doesn’t mean it has to be one way, that you have to give in fully and lose out on your wants and needs, or that you have to give up everything and do what they want period end of story, but by being compassionate to the other, showing your care through honorable and respectful acts of kindness and love, you help build the love that you will joyously partake in as it builds up more and more in time… That task requires your cooperation… It requires you to compromise…

I know by now you’ll likely have gone back into your shell. Torn away from society, and me in particular, for pointing such a thing out… I wish there was a more simple more easier way of going about all of this… I don’t want you feeling like I blame you so much as I see in you what I see in so many others young and inexperienced go through – just as I did, too… It’s the reality of the world that we all have something to learn from one another, but from me I hope you take away from it, in your own time, whenever you’re ready, the importance of that C word. As much as it is hard for you, and we both know it is, it’s something that will help you in your life. You’ll be happier because of it. I assure you this E5, Satan damnit it’s true. And, as well, I will take from you the importance of not allowing my frustrations to take the better of me and push away from me the person closest. I guess I could say that my dad was guilty of the same thing, and it really is up to me to break that cycle… And I thank you for enlightening me in that regard E5.

If you’re still reading… I just hope that time proves to be the greatest of healers… I’m still really hurting from everything… I’m still in a sad state of missing all the great times we had together… I’m still trying to get my bearings on what I’m ever going to do next, now that my E5 is no longer in my life… It’s a very difficult conundrum for me to face – I had put every ounce of effort into making you out to be the one I would marry and spend the rest of my life with, but, no longer is that true… I guess just even facing the reality that my life has lost such an amazing person is truly a large blow… I try best not to ever burn bridges…

At least I have the memory of you smiling really big and jumping up and down after I just arrived home after a long day away, picking you up and twirling you around, stuck in my memory for good. It’s what I like think of when I think of you. It’s the memory I guess I won’t ever be able to let go of… I don’t think I’ve ever had more precious of moments than I had with you, and I am very grateful for everything E5… Maybe one day, in the netherworld, we can revisit those moments together, even if only for just the beauty of reliving the wondrous times we shared.

You were very special to me E5. And you will likely always be.

So please, be happy. I don’t know anybody I’ve ever met who deserved the beauty of the smile on their face more than you.

Good bye, my amazing, wonderful, beautiful E5.

<3 Our closeness will be forever etched into my heart. <3

If you want to ride high… Then fly with me.

If you want to ride high… Then fly with me.

 
There is much in the future that awaits us, my dearest.

The time we’ll spend. Such pleasure, spent always together.

The challenges we’ll overcome, mountains have moved.

 
There is much we’ll experience that we haven’t yet, my gorgeous.

The adventures we’ll have. Such memories, made from wonders.

The timelessness of shared tales, faces left speechless.

 
There is achievement which we haven’t yet attained, my amazing.

The beauty we’ll create. Such mastery, meaning and depth.

Displaying proudly to masses, onlookers stay suspended.

 
There is love that we’ll feel surpassing the heavens, my princess.

The happiness we’ll feel. Such magnificence, lasting beyond time.

Enriching lives for all surrounding, everyone held overjoyed.

 
There is a life in front of us that demands to be lived, my love.

The elation we’ll know. Such utopia, enchanting all eternity.

Traveling beyond the skies of heaven, paradise be found.

 
If you want to ride high… Then fly with me.

Love and Passion

I haven’t felt that in a while. I don’t know what it is quite exactly, but it’s such a welcomed feeling. It lifts you up, it makes you think brightly about your life. My heart pitter pattering away, as though it’s about to run off and leave me behind. It almost actually does.

It’s rather interesting to be back at this road in my life again. It’s something worth while, yet, something worth the time spent bringing to fruition. Slowly I must go, and slowly will be gone, but I think there may be something present I hadn’t expected: a chance. I have high hopes.

While life can be so complex and deep and meaningful in and of itself, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more accomplished right now. I’ve proven to myself that no matter what, I’ve been able to take things at great cost and odds to myself, and have been able to pull through. I really do got this.

To finally see again that there can always be beauty, love, and passion in life is an amazing and uplifting experience. It sets the stage to remind myself that there is always a better tomorrow waiting for you. And that tomorrow, what is going to happen, that makes it all worth the while to wait for. Totes worth it.

Love and Passion, the true elixir of life.

Broken

I’m broken.

Not because of a lack of fulfillment, but because it happened.

Maybe if I wasn’t so rejected, I would understand being okay being alone.

I’m not okay being alone, because all there is for me there is sadness that drives me to tears.

 
I’m broken.

Not because of a lack of strength, but because it’s true.

Maybe if I wasn’t so torn down, I wouldn’t feel a need to try so hard.

I try so hard, because I’ve been conditioned my entire life upon how weak and pathetic I was by others.

 
I’m broken.

Not because of a lack of caution, but because it hurts.

Maybe if I wasn’t so abused, I wouldn’t get unnervingly afraid so quickly.

I get afraid, because the pain I’ve been made to feel the most is the pain of betrayal and rejection.

 
I’m broken.

Not because of a lack of patience, but because it’s unfair.

Maybe if I wasn’t so jaded, I wouldn’t feel impetus to reclaim security.

I need security, because I’ve grown weary of the assaults of apathy and denial because of who I am.

 
I’m broken.

Not because of a lack of joy, but because it’s upsetting.

Maybe if I wasn’t so lonely, I wouldn’t feel a deep desire to be with somebody.

I need somebody, because otherwise I have no reason to feel happiness in selfish acts of acquisition.

 
I’m broken. And I wish it wasn’t so.

You don’t even know

You don’t even know the reason that I feel like I do.

I try to say it and you miss it.

I try to deal with it and you call me unfit.

 
It’s like you don’t listen you think you already knew.

All I hear is the fall of your words.

All I feel is myself being taken by the guards.

 
I’m expected to just see it through and pull it together.

Never expecting the worst no emotion.

Never knowing how it feels to be broken and reopened.

 
And you’re just going to sit there judging reflecting whatever.

Resent my life past future and present.

Resent the tears built by the uncontrollable torment.

 
Because you ain’t never felt in your life this much hopelessness.

Hoping for an angel to save my decay.

Hoping that this doesn’t become my judgement day.

 
Unaware of the real fantastic probable reality of homelessness.

A skip hop and jump to a nothingness.

A cold harsh death grip over my fight against lifelessness.

 
You don’t even know.

My SoCal girl

Something unexpected happened to me recently. I met somebody, somebody I wasn’t expecting to meet. I had plans to leave SoCal for good with the hope that Seattle would be more accepting towards a trans girl like me, and perhaps that acceptance would lead me to finding somebody special. Right as I was preparing to do exactly that though, somebody came into my life. Somebody that would change my opinion of SoCal forever.

I have to admit that I haven’t been in the best state of mind before all this. Loneliness does weird things to a person’s mind. I stopped caring about the world outside of me, and had to shift my entire focus towards just myself. After all the drama with my ex-girlfriend, it would have seemed that the SoCal I fell in love with turned against me. Of course, as I worked through it, I just couldn’t help but think that judging from those experiences that the rest of the experiences I could have down here would be the same.

I can’t really blame myself for what happened to me here, because some things in a person’s life are just out of their control. Second puberties, hormones, and mistaken friends have all took their tole on the experience I’ve had here, and it hasn’t been the most memorable… *sigh* I really wish I could have done so many things differently, and really wish I was more cautious in opening up to others. I’ve had so much of my past experiences held against me and it left me feeling very taken advantage of… Leaving SoCal seemed like not just a good idea, but necessary.

I never realized that meanwhile as I was going to bed alone crying, having very few to nobody to honestly talk to, and looking onto coming home as the last thing I wanted to do after work ended, there was somebody else out there feeling the exact same way. Lonely and outnumbered by so many backward thinking people, what could either of us do? … I don’t think people can truly understand how unhelpful their advice can be when talking to somebody who literally has nothing to go home to. The entire world just seems empty and emotionless in that state.

It was in that same state of hopelessness and desperation that that unexpected thing happened. It took the form of something that I haven’t been used to: an OkCupid message that actually had content to it and wasn’t just another guy objectifying me as his nightly shemale porn. I was quite intellectually stimulated by this person, and as I messaged her over a course of a day or so, it occurred to me that this person wasn’t like anybody else. With nothing else to do on a lonely Tuesday night, I asked her if we could meet up.

That was about three weeks ago, and since then, I don’t even know what to say. These last three weeks have been beyond amazing, and it’s not just the amazing sex either – it’s beyond anything I could have ever believed could have been possible. My faith in SoCal has been in a lot of ways restored. Jennifer’s home, as she knows it, has turned out to be a lot more interesting than I gave it credit. It’s quite amazing really that somebody could have such an effect on my outlook. I guess that, really, in the end, without somebody there to share it with, it made new experiences seem pointless. For somebody like myself who is only content when sharing the beauty of the world with others, it takes somebody special to derive value from those new experiences.

I’ve shared everything I can with Jennifer. Her incredible smile through it all has made my heart fall deep into my chest and realize that happiness can be found here. Her SoCal sense of beauty and humor has reminded me why I came here to begin with. Her kindness, compassion, and affection has completely changed my life. She’s taught me what a real SoCal love can feel like…

A lot of new questions have opened up, like what are we going to do when I go to Seattle (she has two more years of her PhD – yeah, did I mention she’s super crazy smart? =P), but a love like this is worth keeping. It’s worth putting every amount of effort into. Although I know that it will be hard on us both to be without each other, I know that our time spent apart will only strengthen the awesomeness of when we’re back together in Seattle. We’ve both been preparing emotionally for my inevitable leave to Seattle, and it is of course a decision that can no longer be changed, but when I look into her eyes and see her wonderful smile I can’t help but feel that she has reclaimed my world anew.

I’ll be looking forward to being in Seattle, building up a new life, bragging to everybody about my beautiful SoCal girl, and eagerly awaiting us to be back in each other’s arms.

Bonus P.S.: I don’t know if anybody follow’s Kyoti’s nails blog at http://kyotisnails.wordpress.com/, but I met up with her this last weekend at the global reddit meetup day: http://imgur.com/lK3oZ ^_^ (Forgive me of my crazy troll face… Yeah I have no idea. =P)